A Letter to You Poopy Lady

Dear lady in the stall next to me in our shared public restrooms:

 I know you are trying to take a crap at work. I know you are embarrassed and probably don't want to. Well you know what? You are in a public restroom. People WILL come in and out. And you silently sitting there while you wait for me to speed pee and get the hell out (I don't like it when people are listening and also you make me uncomfortable and I feel bad for you) not cool. So please, either find a nice private potty where no one goes. Or find one that everyone goes to take a poop in. Or maybe you don't have a massive bathroom like that.

Either way, just do it. Take the dump. People will continue to come in and out. Are you gonna stay on that seat ALL afternoon? It's annoying. And I don't like being rushed.  Just courtesy flush and be done with it.


Thanks.

Pre-School 101

You remember pre-school right? That fabulous time where you got to eat graham crackers, take naps and play outside all day? Right. You also learned how to wash your hands. Kids as young as 3 years old know that they have to wash their hands after going to the potty. It's not rocket science.

So why, oh WHY is this so hard for adults to grasp the concept?  It's quite disgusting to go into a public restroom (as if they aren't gross enough with the pee on the seats and the stench of something that's NOT roses).

Seriously: grown women (I'm sure men are guilty too, but I only use the women's restroom thank you very much) that DO NOT WASH THEIR HANDS. Yeah, we aren't serving burgers, but you know what? Your grubby ass hands are touching the door that I have to open. It's sick. It's scary to think what these people do at home. And then they bring in pot luck? Um, not so much thank you.

So here's a lesson in washing your hands:

1) When you pee, WASH YOUR MO TO THE FO hands when you're done.
2) USE SOAP (again with the ridiculousness. People actually pretend to wash their hands by just rinsing with water. This doesn't get the pee germs off!).
3) Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. 5 seconds isn't enough. Sing the ABCs. Sing Happy Birthday twice. SOMETHING. Just do it.

So now you know.

Somebody's Watching...

When you work in a public building, you're not alone. Ever. Not even in the bathroom.  Someone will always be coming in after you and you're coming in after someone else.  So PLEASE, for the LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE flush your toilet.

"Oh but I do!" you say? Then why is there still business left in the toilet. That is so damn gross.  So you had to take care of the dirty work while you were at the office. You're embarrassed (or maybe you're not) and you just want to get out of there. Right? Well leaving a trail behind is not so bueno.  Flush. Flush again. Then look back and make sure you haven't left any friends behind.

*hell even cats can be taught to flush! you're smarter than a cat, right?*

I know--you're amazed that I am writing this. You must think I work in a zoo. Or I must be making it up. I assure you, all of the stories presented on Potty Party in My Pants are true stories...all parties are innocent until proven guilty. Only, most all of them are guilty! Gross. Just flush, ok?